Growing up with little money was not easy. As much as I hate making it a defining part of my identity, it really is. Growing up in a household of hand-me-downs and restrictions on the grocery lists, money was the key to everything. I learned the value of money and what it can bring at a very young age.
I started working very young and paying for bills as a teenager, taking on a responsibility that I had no choice in. While others were spending money on shoes and high-end makeup, I was stuck saving up. Not for anything cool or interesting, because life teaches you that it can take a sharp decline at any moment. My parents always taught me that you never know when you’ll have the money, and you don’t want to be asking others when you don’t. So saving was a huge thing.
Due to that, there was always guilt that followed me every time I spent on myself. I felt like I didn’t deserve it, mostly coming from the fact that my parents, as immigrants, worked odd jobs to bring food to the table. There would be many shifts that my dad would work, and sometimes forget to bring food, but he would never eat out. He told me he didn’t want to eat anything when he knew he couldn’t offer the rest of us the same meal.
It did not feel right to spend on myself. If I wanted to spend it, it had to be something collective. Only that way did I feel myself in terms with my purchase. It was a 1 -1 type of thing. For example, if I bought myself a nicer bag, to compensate, I would end up buying my mom a nice bag too. If I bought a meal, I would bring the whole family something to eat.
Similarly, I do many other things due to my background, and I can go on and on about how it really shaped me to be who I am now, money-hungry. My life’s focus has shifted to making money. Instead of pursuing art, something I was really passionate about, I gave up because, coming from nothing, it didn't seem like a logical answer. Money became a factor that I always seem to take into account. It seems like a constant thought on my mind. I thought that, by how much I obsessed over it, I would have loads of it by now, but it’s harder than I thought.
However, currently, I’ve been working on my strange relationship with money. I don’t wanna be constantly filled with guilt every time I spend, be hyper fixated on prices, and do all things money-related. I’m trying to take it step by step. Appreciating and being grateful for what I achieved and what I have. Slowly building a healthier relationship with money.